Two True Facts

1. I am sitting here crying because I read this Dear Sugar column, which is so unlike my situation (affair, kids) but so like it at the same time (moments of despair, the tangle of becoming someone else).

2. I am learning to program.

These two facts have nothing to do with each other on the surface. But in my head they are inextricably linked. This is because right now I am trying to find out who I am. I’ve been the unhappy person in a job they felt was sucking them dry. I’ve been an entrepreneur, master of my company and destiny. And now I’m not sure what I am. And here in my confusion I’ve gone back to the thing I’m most comfortable as.

A student. I am most comfortable when I’m learning. It’s why I can’t stand being alone for too long. And why I’ve fled jobs at full tilt. And why I’ve loved starting a company. In the end I’m just not happy unless I’m learning something.

And that gives rise to my dilemma. How do I stay true to that core of me? Learning to program is a lifeline right now, but I need something more. I need my day-in and day-out to have challenge. But I don’t know where I’ll get that and I don’t know who I’ll be once I have it. Or who I’ll be if I don’t.

Looking back it seems like all of my episodes of serious depression involved this issue. I hope, and believe, that having that common thread will help unravel this tangle. Because I’m sick of all this becoming. I want to move on to the being.


Job Hunt Panacea

There’s nothing like a job hunt to put your self esteem on a roller-coaster ride. Yay, I got an interview! Sad, turns out they’re hiring for a completely different job than what they posted. Yay, I found a job I’m perfectly qualified for! Sad, turns out they didn’t think so.

It can wreak havoc with anyone, but can be especially hard on someone who’s got depression issues. But, completely out of the blue, I found something to make me feel better.

That, friends and followers (who are awesome, BTW) is a baby blanket. Specifically, a baby blanket that I made by crocheting. Which I haven’t done in years! And at the top there? That’s number two.

Turns out that having three pregnant friends gives me the perfect excuse to take up old and dear crafting. And crafting gives me a solid finished accomplishment that I can point to. That my sneaky jerk brain can’t refute or minimize. Because I made that, and now it’s going to keep a baby warm.

And one success begets another. Proof: I just got a call back for a job I’d be awesome at. Here’s to hoping!

Amoral Legislation

I have a bone to pick with Kansas. Specifically a bill in the House committee. Via Shakesville comes news of a provision so disgusting I can’t help but vent. Let’s have the quote first, then we’ll chat.

Among the most contested provisions of the bill is the section that would exempt a doctor from a medical malpractice suit if a woman claims the physician withheld information about potential birth defects to prevent her from having an abortion. In addition, a woman would not be able to sue if she suffers health damage from a pregnancy as a result of information withheld from her to prevent an abortion. A wrongful death suit could still be filed, however, if the mother died.

Did you catch that? Here’s how it goes:

A patient is pregnant. Her doctor discovers a problem with the fetus which could cause complications, which might medically indicate a need for an abortion. That doctor is pro-life, so they don’t inform the patient. She has complications and gets sick, or injured. In that kind of instance her future fertility may be affected, and the fetus most likely doesn’t survive. Then when she finds out her doctor knew all that, and didn’t tell her? She can’t do a thing. Unless she dies from the complications.

Do you know what this could cover? Things like a fetus that may be dead already and could cause a patient to become septic. Or a fetus that obviously won’t survive past birth, if it even makes it that far.Or how about an ectopic pregnancy  which will likely seriously injure or kill someone trying to continue to full term.

This is wrong. I don’t know how to say this any other way. This is so wrong. And the awful thing? To some people, me saying that is controversial. Because it’s about abortion. So let me be clear.

I don’t care what side of the debate you’re on, you should be against this. Withholding medical information is unethical. Any doctor who would let a patient get sick, injured, or die because they decide they know better than their patient should not have a license. A doctor that treats their patients like they don’t have the right to make decisions about their own health should never be allowed to practice any kind of medicine.

I don’t have a rousing or hopeful conclusion to this post. This bill, if passed as it stands, will kill people. It makes me sick at heart, to know that there are people who think this is fine. That this is necessary. I don’t live in Kansas, but if anyone wants to list the people to contact to oppose this, or ways to help fight it, put them in comments. This cannot stand if words like ‘compassion’ or ‘moral’ are to mean anything.